Mariah Carey’s voice box was hacked by the Russians! (satire)

Mariah-Carey-lip-sync-disasters-New-Years-Eve

In addition to hacking the 2016 election, the Russians also hacked Mariah Carey’s voice on New Year’s Eve, causing her to be unable to sing. Amazingly, they also hacked the real-time music track to make it seem like she was somehow still singing. Wow. The Russians are really good hackers.

Carey’s New Year’s Eve performance disaster wasn’t a “lip sync” fail, it turns out: It was the Russians!

I know this because the Washington Post just reported it. In a headline that has since been revised, the WashPost first reported, “Mariah Carey’s lips penetrated by Russian hackers.”

The source for their story was an “unnamed intelligence source with firsthand knowledge of oral penetrations.”

When a spokesperson from Mariah Carey’s organization clarified the issue by telling the Washington Post it was actually a “lip sync fail,” the Washington Post altered its headline to read, “We still think it was the Russians who penetrated Mariah Carey; lip sync conspiracy theory refuted by new intelligence sources.”

In explaining how Mariah Carey’s lips were penetrated by the Russians, the Washington Post explains that someone ran a McAfee virus scan on Carey’s laptop, and some “virus stuff” was found there. Later, Mariah Carey kissed her laptop during a Skype video call with a cute puppy, causing the virus to transfer to her lips. This, the Post explains, is how her lips were “hacked by the Russians.”

CONFIRMED: Donald Trump asked the Russians to hack Mariah Carey’s lips

Confirming the report, President Obama issued a statement, warning that Russian state actors were “attempting to silence America’s most treasured voices” and that Donald Trump actually told the Russians to hack Mariah Carey in the first place.

Further bolstering the report, Washington Post reporters asked each other if they believed the Russians hacked Mariah Carey’s voice box, and they all agreed that’s exactly what happened. Reuters then ran with that story, reporting, “A scientific consensus of journalists confirms the Russians penetrated Mariah Carey’s lips.”

When Mariah Carey insisted, yet again, that she was not “penetrated” and that the entire episode was nothing more than an audio board failure, she was labeled a “conspiracy theorist” by CNN, which brought on an “international security expert” to insist that, “If the Russians can hack Mariah Carey, they might have hacked Milli Vanilli, too.”

Welcome to 2017, sheeple! This is the year when nothing has to be actually true before it’s reported in the Washington Post. Nothing makes sense, no evidence is required to believe anything, and whatever you did that you now regret, just say the Russians hacked your brain.

It was the Russians, by God. For the rest of the year, any time a man gets caught sleeping with someone other than his wife, he can just declare, “The Russians took control of my Anthony Weiner!”

 


About the author: Mike Adams (aka the “Health Ranger“) is a best selling author (#1 best selling science book on Amazon.com) and a globally recognized scientific researcher in clean foods. He serves as the founding editor of NaturalNews.com and the lab science director of an internationally accredited (ISO 17025) analytical laboratory known as CWC Labs. There, he was awarded a Certificate of Excellence for achieving extremely high accuracy in the analysis of toxic elements in unknown water samples using ICP-MS instrumentation. Adams is also highly proficient in running liquid chromatography, ion chromatography and mass spectrometry time-of-flight analytical instrumentation.

Adams is a person of color whose descendants include Africans and American Indians. He is of Native American heritage, which he credits as inspiring his “Health Ranger” passion for protecting life and nature against the destruction caused by chemicals, heavy metals and other forms of pollution.

Adams is the founder and publisher of the open source science journal Natural Science Journal, the author of numerous peer-reviewed science papers published by the journal, and the author of the world’s first book that published ICP-MS heavy metals analysis results for foods, dietary supplements, pet food, spices and fast food. The book is entitled Food Forensics and is published by BenBella Books.

In his laboratory research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products.

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Through the non-profit CWC, Adams also launched Nutrition Rescue, a program that donates essential vitamins to people in need. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories.

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource featuring over 10 million scientific studies.

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed “strange fibers” found in Chicken McNuggets, fake academic credentials of so-called health “gurus,” dangerous “detox” products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics.

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness.

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released over fifteen popular songs covering a variety of activism topics.

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com.